Alright, THAT’S IT. You guys are just sending in full tweets that are actually funny. IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GET GENUINE SELF-EFFACEMENT AROUND HERE? This is why we can’t have shitty things.
ADDENDUM: I still love you. I’m sorry we fought.
Alright, THAT’S IT. You guys are just sending in full tweets that are actually funny. IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GET GENUINE SELF-EFFACEMENT AROUND HERE? This is why we can’t have shitty things.
ADDENDUM: I still love you. I’m sorry we fought.
Top Tweet Drafts from @izrigrod
“I’m washed up.”— bottle w/ message in it
I’m looking to substitute serious blows to my ego for serious blows to my groin area.
Currently resisting the urge to tell a coworker that I’m want to sue her.
I want a shower head with spray settings like, “Cast a Protection Spell, The Sneeze, or Carrie.”
Top Tweet Drafts from @JonasPolsky
Butterfinger is crystallized asbestos.
Guantanamo eBay
Loan me some curds? I’m in a bad whey.
Goodbye, “Cool World”…
Flamingos are the giraffes of the bird world.
Obi Wan Shinobi
Top Tweet Drafts from @TheDLC
Cargo pants: one pocket for your self-respect
If this doctor’s office waiting room was any sexier
Public radio’s “The World” is the BBC for pussies.
Come from behind
Just got my bikini inspector’s license
Top Tweet Drafts from @donni
I had a good rough pour with the audience.
Zag Zigs are underrated.
Let’s just say there’s a reason helper monkeys need to have opposable thumbs.
All in all, they had finished packing.
Companion. Company. Compass. Comparison.
Who let the demons at the center of the Earth out?
Lazarus was pretty lazy
Top Tweet Drafts from @crybabytheclown
the sun burst with freshness
my other clown is a mime
i have a half-baked plan ready to go off half-cocked
i’m a clown. what’s your excuse?
hiring pilots for my cockpit, apply within
Top Tweet Draft from @CS70
I have a tweet that has been lingering in my notes app for a long time.
“Wow, coke makes you feel important.”
Top Tweet Drafts from @jakeinside
1. Dogs are people too.
2. Why does heroine make you sleepy?
3. h
4. My niece has gum on her toes
5. bird watching/bird catching
Top Tweet Drafts from @craigrachel
Dragging sounds like dragon, just a heads up
Sudanese migrant squabbling for control of a female goat named “Nanny”
“I’ve got ties to the area”
pit boss at this BBQ locked his jaws down on my chopped beef sandwich
“You remind me of one of those hard cinnamon candies” -Willy Wonka’s divorce proceedings get nasty
Top Tweet Drafts from @Ty_Schutz
‘teriyaki’ has never been used during an argument.
Beyaz
Happy enough to whistle.
